The Birth of Diversity

I have come into possession of a tape recording of a quarterly meeting of the Board of Directors of the White Male Establishment - the meeting at which the concept of diversity was introduced.

The meeting took place in 1968 at The Greenbrier, in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia.

It is my pleasure to pass along a transcript of that meeting:

LLOYD: Good evening, gentlemen. How was your golf today?

CHARLES: Great! Five under!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HANK: Lousy! Twelve over! Couldn't play my game today ...

LLOYD: Twelve over IS your game, Hank!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LLOYD: O.K., gentlemen, let's settle down. We have something serious to discuss tonight. As you know, there's been quite a bit of civil rights activity in recent years... the Supreme Court desegregation decision in 1954 ... the Civil Rights Act of 1964, outlawing discrimination in employment ... and, recently...

ROGER: ... well, it's about time! Those redneck segregationists were making it hard for us to convince people in non-aligned nations that the American Way of Life is superior to Communism ...

LLOYD: ... and, gentlemen, that's exactly what I'd like to talk to you about tonight. Because, if you think these civil rights changes are going to affect only the south, I've got news for you. They're going to affect us! Because if negroes and other non-whites have equal rights, that means they can compete with us as equals for things like jobs and college admissions. Now, as you know, there are already a lot of non-whites in our country. But what you may not realize is that there're soon gonna be a whole lot more! The new immigration law they passed in 1965 opens up immigration to all sorts of people, regardless of race. Which means we're gonna be getting a lot of immigrants from Africa, Asia, and places like that ... So add it up: New civil-rights laws plus increased non-white immigration equals a big threat to our rightful place as the leaders of American society.

ANDREW: You make a good point, Lloyd. But there isn't much we can do about it, is there? I mean, we don't want to come off as bigots. That's pretty much out of fashion these days (LAUGHTER). And, after all, we are gentlemen!

LLOYD: And that, gentlemen, brings me to the strategy I'd like to propose this evening. It's a concept that I think can help us protect our proper place in society – while, at the same time, allowing us to act as though we really love and respect minorities.

CHARLES: OK, so what's your concept, Lloyd?

LLOYD: In a word, Charles, my concept is diversity. And here's how it works: First of all, we assign people to different ethnic groups and give those ethnic groups special names ...

EVAN: Oh. You mean like German-Americans? ... Italian-Americans? ... Scottish-Americans? ..

LLOYD: Oh, no, Evan. See, we Caucasians remain just plain Americans. But everyone else gets special names – to remind people that members of those groups aren't full Americans like us. They're African-Americans, or Asian-Americans, or Latinos, or Native Americans. Then, what we say is that all these groups contribute to the diversity of America – and that we value diversity!

ANDREW: So how does that help us?

LLOYD: OK, first of all, keep in mind that the definition of "diverse" is "differing from one another." So, if we have diversity in America, that means that, by definition, all these minority groups are different from each other – and, mainly, different from us real Americans!

ANDREW: But they'll still have equal rights, won't they?

LLOYD: Andrew, that's the beauty of it! We can say that, because we value diversity, we favor diverse universities and diverse workplaces – and that, to ensure diversity, we think all groups should be represented in universities and jobs in proportion to their percentage of the population. So think of it! All these groups will have to compete against each other for their share of "minority" positions; and members of each group will have to compete against the other members of their group – not against us – for their group's allotted positions ...

EVAN: ... so it's kind of a divide-and-conquer strategy, Lloyd?

LLOYD: Yes, that's a good way to put it, Evan. But, if you'll bear with me for a few more minutes, there are two more facets of diversity that I'd like to discuss. First, I think we should say that each minority group has a "culture" of which its members should be very proud. We should also say how much we value their diverse cultures – their music, dance, literature, language, etcetera. Then we should suggest that minority-group members who try to assimilate into American way of life are somehow betraying their culture, their traditions and their people. That way, we can keep minorities frozen in the past and outside the mainstream of American life, where they could pick up the knowledge, skills, and social style they need in order to compete against us as equals ... And, finally, gentlemen, let me call your attention to the fact that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 forbids discrimination against women, as well as discrimination against minorities. Which I see as a tremendous opportunity! What I propose is that – even though women are actually in the majority in our country – we treat them as a minority group for diversity purposes. Remember, gentlemen, many of these women are our wives, daughters, girl friends, and mistresses. So, while giving privileged positions to women will allow us to say that we're successfully achieving diversity, we'll actually be keeping all those positions – and all that power – right in the family! ... So there you have it, gentlemen – diversity – my modest proposal for protecting our position in society while, at the same time, presenting ourselves as tolerant and open-minded ... I welcome your comments ...

CHUCK: Very interesting, Lloyd. Thank you for your very thoughtful proposal. I move that we adjourn to the bar to discuss your ideas further, with help from a wonderful American cultural tradition, the martini. Any seconds?

ANDREW: I second the motion!

CHUCK: All in favor ...

OUTCRY: Aye!

CHUCK: Gentlemen, there seems to be no diversity of opinion on this matter. I believe we have a unanimous decision. Meeting adjourned ...